Thursday, April 04, 2013

The sinking of the Titanic

I'm starting to think that the last 5 1/2 years of my life have been a complete waste.

I've been unhappy for a long time. I stick around for the good times. The laughing, laying in bed, impulsive displays of affection, the cuddling. The sex. But it seems like the longer I push this thing out, the fewer and further between these moments get

He isn't your conventional boyfriend. Actually he isn't even close. There are no presents. No flowers. No dinner dates, or movie dates. He doesn't hug me when I cry, or demand to know what is wrong, in fact he prefers to ignore the situation all together and pretend it isn't happening, or worse tell me not to cry because it is a "pointless endeavour".  On my last birthday he told me he felt bad that he hadn't gotten me a present and that he was going to get me one. I was so excited. It never came. I shudder when I think of how much money I've spent on him over the last 5 birthdays, valentines days, Easters and Christmases.

I have to beg to spend a day with him, and I'll only ever get half that if I'm lucky. He parties every weekend (EVERY), and he never ever invited me to go with him. If he does promise to spend a day with me he always breaks the promise, most of the time turning up sometime in the late afternoon claiming that there was plenty of time, or that he simply forgot... "I should have text him"

Texting him is pointless, despite that his cellphone never leaves his hand. He doesn't reply. If he is gone for three days, I can text him all I want in those three days, but I won't get a reply. This isn't a once in awhile rule. It's is all the time. Every single weekend.

When he is home his cellphone is in his hand. He is texting, Facebooking, Facebook messaging, emailing. Who? How would I know, but he won't let that thing out of his hand until he is well and truly going to sleep. He even takes it to the toilet and shower with him. And yet when I text him he never replies...

Family events are outlawed, he doesn't do Christmas, he doesn't like to eat in front of people, he doesn't like my uncle, he doesn't like my aunt, my cousins are annoying. If it so happens that I do in fact get him along to one of these events, chances are he will not eat, and sulk, and spend the entire time on his cellphone.

Every thing is about money. He earns well and lives in my house without paying rent, but dare I suggest him helping out then he suggests finding his own place, which crushes me. It is emotional blackmail. I've been with the guy for five years. I'm desperately craving love and attention. I don't want him to be even further away. He tells me I need new things. I need a new washing machine, I need a new blahblahblah, but he never ever offers to help me buy one, why would he, it's mine not his, but its such an inconvenience for him to use this old, bad stuff while living rent free in my house that he must comment on it.

He won't go out anywhere with me. He likes to trick me there as well, he will agree to something when I suggest it to him because he assumes nothing will come of it, so when I then try to do that thing with him he will create a big fuss just to get out of it. Fishing. Horse trek. Mini-golf. Movies. Lunch. Kayaking. Aquarium. He sets me up for disappointment each time, by agreeing before refusing.

Groceries have become near unbearable. He spits out at the Government, God, Oprah, and everyone else about the price of this that and the other thing. If there is something I want that isn't essential to groceries, I have to buy it myself. If I didn't bring my wallet in "we'll that sucks for you". Mat is bad, meat is expensive, and by the time we have gotten through the supermarket and to the butcher I'm usually ready to give up anyway. But I relish the time spent with him because its the only time I will get to spend with him.

If I do manage to get him to come somewhere with me and socialise, I will be the designated driver. He will be free to drink and enjoy himself, which he won't do because he will be too busy sulking and making love to his fucking cellphone, however, I will still be required to drive.

He gets annoyed if I want a cuddle. He tells me I'm too clingy. I want him to kiss me goodnight, he sighs, and makes a big deal about it. A kiss. From the guy lying right beside me. How is that an unreasonable request.

He judges who I am agains his sister. I hear it time and time again. Ella likes metal, Ella dealt with her fear of cockroaches, Ella is an amazing flautist. Ella Ella Ella Ella. Sorry if I don't want to live my life in the shadow of a twice DUI'd druggie.

The sex has always been amazing. He is cocky and self assured, and has every reason to be. Our sex life used to be amazing. Now I have to beg and tease, most likely to still be rejected, and when he does give in (always at night right before sleep, no other time) he will then talk about how tired he will be at work the next day because of me.

He is self obsessed. I would be pretty surprised if he came home and kicked off the conversations with "how was your day". I would actually die of shock if he let me answer the question before speaking about himself and his day. I feign interest in all sorts of things for him, why can't he even pretend to care about me. He will talk about himself until I close my eyes at night, and there is no stopping it.

He doesn't take me or my feelings into consideration in anything he does. His friends are much more important. If he has promised to spend time with me, he will ditch me for a party. He buys them presents. The latest? $120 concert tickets. I'm not invited.

I'm sick of being the perfect girlfriend, and just shutting my mouth and letting him enjoy his life. But whenever I try and stand up for myself it always boils down the the same old argument. He gets angry at me and I end up being the one apologising.

The worst thing. In all this unhappiness. In all this emotional turmoil. In all this dark hell. Is that I love him. I couldn't write a word of this without crying. I couldn't want him any more desperately today than I did when I met him almost 6 years ago.

But is love enough? 

And while I love him, I can't help but notice those old dark clouds inching ever closer, my past haunting me, calling me, and the feelings returning, and I wonder if I will be strong enough to overcome it.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Losing things.

Not like property.

Like jobs. And Friends.

When I was younger I lost friends. It was my immaturity. It was desperately trying to fit into the wrong crowd. It was simply not thinking about how the things I did and said affected the people around me. For those things I never apologised, but I have always felt that I did wrong.

Now I am older.

I'm certainly not saying that I am mature, or that I don't make mistakes, but I'm certainly more aware of the people around me, and I'm trying a lot harder to stand out from the crowd!

Some friends come and go. Sometimes you lose friends when they get married, move away, grow up, or even die. Sometimes you just grow apart.

Sometimes you have to make a concious effort to say, "I've had enough."

Like a relationship.

This is a person who is sworn to be with you through thick and thin, somebody who you have risked a lot for, someone who you have lost a lot for, and someone who is supposed to be willing to do the same for you.

I suspect I'm a sucker for punishment, or maybe I just like to vote for the underdog. The signs have been there the whole time.

When I was in school, probably around 7 years old, I met a girl named Chelsea. She was different. She had red hair, and glasses, and things called "verrucas" (Planter Warts) on her feet. She was shorter than most of the kids in the class, and kept to herself. I befriended her, and that lasted for awhile, but even at my young age my immaturity and desperation to fit in took over, and when the "cool kids" told me to ignore her, and throw things at her, I did so.

Maybe it is Karma?

So when I met my best friend  during a late night party where my boyfriend's band was playing, we hit it off immediately. Neither of us knew anyone, and quickly became friends. Countless parties later, we began really talking. I got a call from her one day. Something had happened, she had had a blow up with her mother and needed to get out. I drove for 40 minutes to pick her up, she brought a box of beer and sat on my bed drinking. Talked about smashing people's heads in with a hammer, and similar violence.

In hindsight, this was the first time I saw her true personality, but I had no friends, and she had nobody else either, and I was sucked in.

She was a life saver when James and I broke up. I rang family, people who I thought would help me, but nothing was offered, and when rang her she turned up on my doorstep with a trailer and moved me into her house.

This was when things started to go downhill. When you live with someone you start to see their true personality. For the first week I lived there, in my heartbroken state, my life consisted of wine and sleeping pills. For the next couple of months, it was getting drunk and clubbing. Wednesday to Saturday 10pm to 4am and sleeping in between.

I grew out of this lifestyle before her, and eventually our personalities began to clash. While I focussed on getting a job, she focussed on insulting me for not partying. When James and I got back together she tried to spread crap, and the day I found her tormenting (not torturing, just tormenting) my cat, was the day I had had enough. We fought, and yelled, and two weeks later, I moved out.

It took months for that to mend.

Eventually we started spending time together again. There were no apologies, just a desperation for friendship. Several flats later, I was in a desperate spot, and her mother needed someone to look after the house, so against my better judgement, I moved back in.

I got her a job, she has no idea, but if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have her job. Three times over. But things don't change. She wanted to do what she wanted to and when she wanted to, so when she was cutting up the carpet in our rental flat, and blasting music right outside my bedroom at 2am while I was trying to sleep, I called it quits. There was more fighting, and I moved out.

I didn't see her for a long time, but she weaned her way back in. I helped her back into a job, and we would spend time together every week. But then she would switch up and start telling lies behind my back, causing upset to staff, and huge rifts to occur at work, and causing people to question my role as a manager.

Several times later, and I called it quits. Stopped hanging out, stopped forgiving, and stopped speaking. This really poked the giant.

Now she is spreading rumours about why I'm leaving my job.

She says it is karma because I am a bad person.


Bad Person

I'm done. It's over.

I will eventually make new friends, and in the meantime, it is simply one less thing for me to cry about.


Because in the end, I'm not going to go down that dark path again

Saturday, February 23, 2013

When your bosses want you gone: An employees story

It starts off fine.

You have new business owners, but they seem okay. After years of working without local owners, its hard to imagine having them in daily, but you're excited at the same time.

Until it happens.

The unimaginable.

Despite being promised you would keep your job, only a couple of months in, things start to change. Suddenly you aren't good enough, and what you are doing isn't good enough. Unacceptable comments are made... "You're just a girl, and you're only 23, its not worth us wasting our time and money on you" You are forced to apologise when you've done nothing wrong, and smile and pretend everything is fine, just to keep your job.

This seems to placate them for another couple of months. Until one day you forget to smile the moment they walk in the door. Or maybe you did smile, but they weren't looking. Perhaps you were busy serving a customer and it would have been rude to turn away from them. It isn't good enough. Suddenly you are in trouble again, and slapped with unnecessary labels. "Moody. Uncooperative. Unpredictable." You are frustrated. You have been trying so hard to please, you want to burst into tears and scream "Why aren't I good enough for you?" But it would be no use. So you apologise once more, and try even harder.

At this point you realise that regardless of you do, the chances are it will never be good enough. Maybe they just want you gone? So you start looking for a job. But several rejection letters and a failed job interview later, things start to look up. They are talking to you again, praising you, telling you what a good job you've done, and talking about hoping you'll be around for a long time. You're quickly lulled into a false sense of security. This Jekyll and Hyde attitude was just a once twice off kind of deal. Everything will be okay now.

Until it isn't.

Suddenly they won't talk to you again. Wont even enter the shop while you're there. Won't answer their phone. You have to park around the corner and wait in the shop after your shift is finished to talk to them. They accuse you of theft. You're told it would be better for you to tell the truth, and then you can work through it with them. The truth is you aren't a thief, but they don't believe you. A meeting is organised for the next day, but then they make excuses and don't hold the meeting. Day after day more excuses are made as to why they can't meet with you. You don't know what to say to clear your name, because they demand you tell the truth, but believe you're guilty. You can't sleep for days on end, stressed out.

A week later a meeting is finally held. No evidence is produced. You are told that they have decided to keep you on. They say they had considered making your life hell until you quit, but changed their minds. They tell you they also considered getting a professional in to remove you for theft, but changed their minds. They tell you that if it is to happen again, you wouldn't be so lucky. You leave the meeting more confused than when you went in. You know you haven't done anything wrong, but you're being treated like you're guilty.

You're finally recovering from that meeting, and everything seems to have gone back to normal, but this time you're suspicious. How long until it happens again? As it turns out, not long. Less than two weeks and it has started all over again. They won't talk to you, won't enter the shop, won't answer your calls. This time you're in denial. You haven't done anything wrong, but frankly, you've had enough. You've finished your shift and you're about to walk out the door and in they walk. "We need to have an unhappy talk." At this point, you are ready to hand in your notice there and then, but reality is rent still needs to be paid, and the bills are stacking up. You reluctantly follow them to the office.

You're being made redundant

So that is it. They say they are going to back date your redundancy notice, so the letter says they gave you four weeks notice, but you're only getting two, but they tell you if you ever try to claim that they will deny it completely. They aren't going to pay you any redundancy pay. They will give you a good reference and pay out all your holiday pay, provided you don't try to take them to court. If you do, they will deny everything and soil your name. They bring up the theft. And the letters from the meetings. It all falls into place.

They wanted you gone all along.

They wanted you to quit. They were making your life hell, but you weren't falling for it. You stuck in there through thick and thin, and came out the other end without a job. You can't say anything bad about them to anyone, because they will withdraw their reference and call you a thief. It is blackmail. You've lost your job, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You have two weeks left.

Its the day after the redundancy meeting. You're working out your notice, otherwise they won't pay you. You don't smile when they walk in, because you have been fighting back tears all morning. They threaten to can it all, and have you leave that very day because you look "sour". So you have to lie one more time. And tell them you're okay one more time.

Meanwhile your world falls apart.