Thursday, April 04, 2013

The sinking of the Titanic

I'm starting to think that the last 5 1/2 years of my life have been a complete waste.

I've been unhappy for a long time. I stick around for the good times. The laughing, laying in bed, impulsive displays of affection, the cuddling. The sex. But it seems like the longer I push this thing out, the fewer and further between these moments get

He isn't your conventional boyfriend. Actually he isn't even close. There are no presents. No flowers. No dinner dates, or movie dates. He doesn't hug me when I cry, or demand to know what is wrong, in fact he prefers to ignore the situation all together and pretend it isn't happening, or worse tell me not to cry because it is a "pointless endeavour".  On my last birthday he told me he felt bad that he hadn't gotten me a present and that he was going to get me one. I was so excited. It never came. I shudder when I think of how much money I've spent on him over the last 5 birthdays, valentines days, Easters and Christmases.

I have to beg to spend a day with him, and I'll only ever get half that if I'm lucky. He parties every weekend (EVERY), and he never ever invited me to go with him. If he does promise to spend a day with me he always breaks the promise, most of the time turning up sometime in the late afternoon claiming that there was plenty of time, or that he simply forgot... "I should have text him"

Texting him is pointless, despite that his cellphone never leaves his hand. He doesn't reply. If he is gone for three days, I can text him all I want in those three days, but I won't get a reply. This isn't a once in awhile rule. It's is all the time. Every single weekend.

When he is home his cellphone is in his hand. He is texting, Facebooking, Facebook messaging, emailing. Who? How would I know, but he won't let that thing out of his hand until he is well and truly going to sleep. He even takes it to the toilet and shower with him. And yet when I text him he never replies...

Family events are outlawed, he doesn't do Christmas, he doesn't like to eat in front of people, he doesn't like my uncle, he doesn't like my aunt, my cousins are annoying. If it so happens that I do in fact get him along to one of these events, chances are he will not eat, and sulk, and spend the entire time on his cellphone.

Every thing is about money. He earns well and lives in my house without paying rent, but dare I suggest him helping out then he suggests finding his own place, which crushes me. It is emotional blackmail. I've been with the guy for five years. I'm desperately craving love and attention. I don't want him to be even further away. He tells me I need new things. I need a new washing machine, I need a new blahblahblah, but he never ever offers to help me buy one, why would he, it's mine not his, but its such an inconvenience for him to use this old, bad stuff while living rent free in my house that he must comment on it.

He won't go out anywhere with me. He likes to trick me there as well, he will agree to something when I suggest it to him because he assumes nothing will come of it, so when I then try to do that thing with him he will create a big fuss just to get out of it. Fishing. Horse trek. Mini-golf. Movies. Lunch. Kayaking. Aquarium. He sets me up for disappointment each time, by agreeing before refusing.

Groceries have become near unbearable. He spits out at the Government, God, Oprah, and everyone else about the price of this that and the other thing. If there is something I want that isn't essential to groceries, I have to buy it myself. If I didn't bring my wallet in "we'll that sucks for you". Mat is bad, meat is expensive, and by the time we have gotten through the supermarket and to the butcher I'm usually ready to give up anyway. But I relish the time spent with him because its the only time I will get to spend with him.

If I do manage to get him to come somewhere with me and socialise, I will be the designated driver. He will be free to drink and enjoy himself, which he won't do because he will be too busy sulking and making love to his fucking cellphone, however, I will still be required to drive.

He gets annoyed if I want a cuddle. He tells me I'm too clingy. I want him to kiss me goodnight, he sighs, and makes a big deal about it. A kiss. From the guy lying right beside me. How is that an unreasonable request.

He judges who I am agains his sister. I hear it time and time again. Ella likes metal, Ella dealt with her fear of cockroaches, Ella is an amazing flautist. Ella Ella Ella Ella. Sorry if I don't want to live my life in the shadow of a twice DUI'd druggie.

The sex has always been amazing. He is cocky and self assured, and has every reason to be. Our sex life used to be amazing. Now I have to beg and tease, most likely to still be rejected, and when he does give in (always at night right before sleep, no other time) he will then talk about how tired he will be at work the next day because of me.

He is self obsessed. I would be pretty surprised if he came home and kicked off the conversations with "how was your day". I would actually die of shock if he let me answer the question before speaking about himself and his day. I feign interest in all sorts of things for him, why can't he even pretend to care about me. He will talk about himself until I close my eyes at night, and there is no stopping it.

He doesn't take me or my feelings into consideration in anything he does. His friends are much more important. If he has promised to spend time with me, he will ditch me for a party. He buys them presents. The latest? $120 concert tickets. I'm not invited.

I'm sick of being the perfect girlfriend, and just shutting my mouth and letting him enjoy his life. But whenever I try and stand up for myself it always boils down the the same old argument. He gets angry at me and I end up being the one apologising.

The worst thing. In all this unhappiness. In all this emotional turmoil. In all this dark hell. Is that I love him. I couldn't write a word of this without crying. I couldn't want him any more desperately today than I did when I met him almost 6 years ago.

But is love enough? 

And while I love him, I can't help but notice those old dark clouds inching ever closer, my past haunting me, calling me, and the feelings returning, and I wonder if I will be strong enough to overcome it.

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