Like jobs. And Friends.
When I was younger I lost friends. It was my immaturity. It was desperately trying to fit into the wrong crowd. It was simply not thinking about how the things I did and said affected the people around me. For those things I never apologised, but I have always felt that I did wrong.
Now I am older.
I'm certainly not saying that I am mature, or that I don't make mistakes, but I'm certainly more aware of the people around me, and I'm trying a lot harder to stand out from the crowd!
Some friends come and go. Sometimes you lose friends when they get married, move away, grow up, or even die. Sometimes you just grow apart.
Sometimes you have to make a concious effort to say, "I've had enough."
Like a relationship.
This is a person who is sworn to be with you through thick and thin, somebody who you have risked a lot for, someone who you have lost a lot for, and someone who is supposed to be willing to do the same for you.
I suspect I'm a sucker for punishment, or maybe I just like to vote for the underdog. The signs have been there the whole time.
When I was in school, probably around 7 years old, I met a girl named Chelsea. She was different. She had red hair, and glasses, and things called "verrucas" (Planter Warts) on her feet. She was shorter than most of the kids in the class, and kept to herself. I befriended her, and that lasted for awhile, but even at my young age my immaturity and desperation to fit in took over, and when the "cool kids" told me to ignore her, and throw things at her, I did so.
Maybe it is Karma?
So when I met my best friend during a late night party where my boyfriend's band was playing, we hit it off immediately. Neither of us knew anyone, and quickly became friends. Countless parties later, we began really talking. I got a call from her one day. Something had happened, she had had a blow up with her mother and needed to get out. I drove for 40 minutes to pick her up, she brought a box of beer and sat on my bed drinking. Talked about smashing people's heads in with a hammer, and similar violence.
In hindsight, this was the first time I saw her true personality, but I had no friends, and she had nobody else either, and I was sucked in.
She was a life saver when James and I broke up. I rang family, people who I thought would help me, but nothing was offered, and when rang her she turned up on my doorstep with a trailer and moved me into her house.
This was when things started to go downhill. When you live with someone you start to see their true personality. For the first week I lived there, in my heartbroken state, my life consisted of wine and sleeping pills. For the next couple of months, it was getting drunk and clubbing. Wednesday to Saturday 10pm to 4am and sleeping in between.
I grew out of this lifestyle before her, and eventually our personalities began to clash. While I focussed on getting a job, she focussed on insulting me for not partying. When James and I got back together she tried to spread crap, and the day I found her tormenting (not torturing, just tormenting) my cat, was the day I had had enough. We fought, and yelled, and two weeks later, I moved out.
It took months for that to mend.
Eventually we started spending time together again. There were no apologies, just a desperation for friendship. Several flats later, I was in a desperate spot, and her mother needed someone to look after the house, so against my better judgement, I moved back in.
I got her a job, she has no idea, but if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have her job. Three times over. But things don't change. She wanted to do what she wanted to and when she wanted to, so when she was cutting up the carpet in our rental flat, and blasting music right outside my bedroom at 2am while I was trying to sleep, I called it quits. There was more fighting, and I moved out.
I didn't see her for a long time, but she weaned her way back in. I helped her back into a job, and we would spend time together every week. But then she would switch up and start telling lies behind my back, causing upset to staff, and huge rifts to occur at work, and causing people to question my role as a manager.
Several times later, and I called it quits. Stopped hanging out, stopped forgiving, and stopped speaking. This really poked the giant.
Now she is spreading rumours about why I'm leaving my job.
She says it is karma because I am a bad person.
Karma
Bad Person
I'm done. It's over.
I will eventually make new friends, and in the meantime, it is simply one less thing for me to cry about.
Because in the end, I'm not going to go down that dark path again
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